The Apologists of Internalized Misogyny

“It is an agony for women to be fully conscious of the extent to which they are systematically degraded by men, and to be aware of the way in which this degradation is institutionalized and enforced in their lives.”

Andrea Dworkin

Women with unchecked internalized misogyny aren't just dangerous-they're basically the unpaid interns of the patriarchy, working tirelessly to keep the whole oppressive system running smoothly. When abusive men finally face consequences, we ask, "How did this go on for so long?" Well, it's because these guys have a whole cheer squad.

Sure, there are men enabling them, but don't forget the women standing on the sidelines, waving pom-poms made of excuses, justifications, and Bible verses.

These women-commonly known as "pick me women" —are the apologists of internalized misogyny. They'll defend harmful behaviors, shame other women, and look the other way when abuse happens, all to secure their precious spot in the hierarchy of male approval. Self-respect and solidarity isn’t so rewarding if there isn’t a man to impress. I have this invisible scale in my mind with how deep this pick me shit can go, we’ll touch on that in a sec.

I was reminded of this recently over dinner with my sister, someone l'd cut off earlier this year. For context, I severed ties with my parents years ago for enabling and inflicting abuse, but saying goodbye to my sisters was a newer kind of heartbreak. Like the rest of my family, they've mistaken abuse for love, which became painfully clear when I finally opened up about the sexual abuse I endured. Their responses? A mixture of silence, dismissal, and… wait for it… excuses for the abusers.

One sister stood out for her “inclusiveness”

She invoked religion, claiming her "spiritual healing" allowed her to remain in contact with the people who abused not only me but her as well. Isn't it great how faith can be so flexible, so forgiving, so compromising? That was my final straw— blocked her and the rest of them.

This same sister reached out to me, ignoring the boundaries l'd clearly set. Against my better judgment (and armed with the faintest flicker of hope), l agreed to meet her for dinner. Maybe she'd finally grown the courage to leave our abusive family behind. But, she hadn't.

Ya know when you ask someone a question, for instance,

By me

Just like they tried to refined smoking, that’s what my sister did when I asked if she’s still in contact with them family. She told me no, yet still responds to sparse messages. This semantic ambiguity to excuse infrequency reminds me how ambiguous her morality is too.

Her empathy, is so bottomless it had drowned her common sense. Seeing how unconditional and limitless it is, disturbed me. She still maintained contact with the people who had abused me and somehow believed we could maintain a sisterly relationship. Her delusion fit perfectly within the family tradition: women prioritizing their loyalty to men—even abusive ones—yet still seeking healthy relationships or friendships with women too.

That dinner was the last time we'll ever speak. She's blocked again, and while the conversation had fleeting moments of nostalgia, the aftermath left me shaken.

I realized, with a heavy dose of clarity, that I come from a long lineage of pick me women.

It's a sobering thought, really. The conditioning that creates pick me women is so deeply ingrained it becomes invisible. These women will tell you they're healed, aligned with God, or "just trying to keep the peace." What they really mean is that they're stuck in a loop, perpetuating the same cycles of harm they once endured. And for what? A pat on the head from men who will discard them the moment it's convenient?

It's like Nicki Minaj (ironic I know) said: "Sativa or Indica, it don't matter what the strain. The worst drug of all is the addiction to a man."

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But, let’s get into this lovely scale so eloquently told by KhaeNotBae

https://youtu.be/Tn5BqTnJ9wM?si=xescDlxS_ISmdX9i

By me

1. The Proximity Pick-Me (Low Risk)

These women are pick-mes by osmosis. They absorb the behavior of their environment—if surrounded by pick-mes, they’ll echo the same tired misogynistic phrases like, “I’m not like other girls” or “Men just prefer low-maintenance women.” But if you remove them from the influence of their pick-me peers or give them the space to unpack their internalized misogyny, they’ll likely bounce back.

They know phrases like “boys will be boys” feel wrong but say them anyway to stay included in the group. The need for belonging overrides their internal conflict. Essentially, they’re the Mean Girls of internalized misogyny but have the potential to evolve into decent human beings with time and introspection.

2. The Shapeshifter Pick-Me (Moderate Risk)

Her personality? Whatever a man wants it to be. Side chick, mistress, ride-or-die, or the perfect housewife—she can morph into any role to win male approval. Her loyalty to women depends on her relationship status. If she’s single, you’ll hear from her. If she’s with a man, good luck finding out if she’s still alive.

This pick-me’s world revolves around men. Platonic relationships are mere placeholders until the next romantic conquest. She views male validation as the ultimate prize and often blames women for any failures in her relationships (“If she kept up with herself, he wouldn’t have cheated!”). She also will let you know a lot and I mean A LOT about her sexual capabilities yet in the same breath tell all the problems within her relationship and be confused on why it’s not making her man act right.

These women will knowingly and enthusiastically date outed abusers, convinced they're the exception. It's a twisted badge of honor for them—a sick obsession with being the "pedestal woman" who can "change" a terrible man. Lacking the discernment that the pedestal usually turns into a punching bag, because eventually, the exception gets a front-row seat to the same abuse she thought she was too special to endure.

3. The Sophisticated Sycophant (Moderate Risk)

This woman operates under a very curated set of rules about what women should do to attract and keep men. She’s the feminine coach telling you to wear skirts to appear “soft” or the mom saying red nails make you look fast. She’s selling internalized misogyny as a guide to life, complete with a how-to on self-suppression for male consumption.

These women have romanticized male approval so much that they’ve made it their brand. They project their own insecurities onto others, policing women’s behavior under the guise of “helping.” But beneath the polished facade is someone who can’t imagine a world where women exist for themselves.

4. The Righteous Enabler (High Risk)

Here’s where things get dangerous. These women excuse male behavior under the banner of religion or spirituality. Whether it’s a pastor’s sermon or a “healed” spiritual rant, their message is the same: “Women, it’s your fault.” They justify abuse, silence victims, and reinforce harmful gender roles in the name of God—or whatever man-made deity serves the patriarchy best.

Centuries of patriarchal teachings have armed these women with scripture and spiritual platitudes to excuse male violence. Their ability to pray for you while simultaneously praying for your downfall is unmatched. They aren’t just complicit—they’re dangerous gatekeepers of systemic harm.

5. The Political Pick-Me (High Risk)

For her, your body, rights, and autonomy are up for debate, and she’s ready to vote against you. She aligns her beliefs with what makes men most comfortable—whether it’s anti-abortion laws, anti-feminism rhetoric, or “traditional family values.” These women weaponize politics to harm other women, unaware that the men they idolize will eventually betray them too.

These women mistake male acceptance for empowerment. They believe aligning with male-dominated political ideals will shield them from harm, not realizing they’re just pawns in a system designed to oppress them, too.

6. The Malevolent Matriarch (Extreme Risk)

The final boss of pick-me women. These mothers and grandmothers are the bedrock of generational trauma. They berate their daughters while worshiping their sons, perpetuating cycles of abuse with surgical precision. These women enable male violence, protect abusers, and demand silence and compliance from their daughters as payment for family loyalty.

The malevolent matriarch understands the power dynamics at play and weaponizes them to her advantage. She defends her abusive husband and sons because she knows their actions ultimately uphold her own position of control. Her legacy is one of broken daughters and unchecked male entitlement. If the daughter(s) fails to dismantle these dynamics and separate herself, ultimately she will suffer the same fate of protecting male abusers when she decides to create her own family.

My sister has a tattoo in honor of the same grandmother that physically beat the shit out her throughout her childhood. You can’t make this shit up with how much these older women get away with.

Overall, I will continue to separate myself from these kinds of women. Pick me women deserve to around women just like them.